Mahmoud Abbas Emerges from Political Tomb, Sends Hallmark Card to Trump
Direct from the dusty archives of delusion, sponsored by the “Palestinian Authority of Make-Believe and Martyrs’ Pensions.”
Mahmoud Abbas—yes, the same guy who’s been president of the Palestinian Authority longer than most of Gen Z has been alive—has just emerged from a cave in ISRAEL and sent a heartfelt thank-you letter to Donald J. Trump for brokering a ceasefire between Israel and Iran.
Yes. Iran. Because when you’re the unelected head of a fictitious people with a collapsing kleptocracy, obviously your top diplomatic move is inserting yourself into a war that has nothing to do with your imaginary borders.
In this hand-scrawled masterpiece (probably written with a quill on the back of a UN resolution), Abbas showers Trump with flattery:
“With your leadership, we can achieve what seemed impossible.”
You mean like surviving another year without elections? Or convincing the world that a KGB-created invention called “Palestinians” deserves a seat at the grown-up table?
He then babbles something about “the occupation”—you know, that existential crisis where Jews live in Jewish land—and brings up the dusty old “Arab Peace Initiative,” which has been rejected more times than Mahmoud’s last five Tinder swipes.
Let’s pause and review the key points here:
Abbas hasn’t faced a real election since George W. Bush was relevant.
His main export is martyrdom.
His main import is Western guilt money.
His national strategy consists of UN Zoom calls, blaming Israel for weather patterns, and naming schools after Jew-killers.
And now he’s lecturing Trump on diplomacy?
The man literally pays terrorists to murder Jews and calls it a “social welfare program.” His government rewrites history faster than Wikipedia on mushrooms. And he thinks he’s going to negotiate peace between Israel and his fake people from his western taxpayer-funded bunker in Ramallah?
This is the geopolitical equivalent of a flat-Earther applying to NASA.
Also, let’s get real: There is no “Palestinian people.”
That term was invented around the same time bell bottoms were in style and Soviet agents were dictating PLO press releases. Judea? Real. Canaan? Real. Palestine? A branding stunt that went viral in the 20th century before anyone knew how to spell TikTok.
But don’t worry. Abbas assures us he’s ready to “cooperate with the international community”—translation: host another martyrs’ parade, blame Israel for the war in Ukraine, and hold a conference on Jewish mind control over falafel.
And Trump?
He already moved the embassy, cut your funding, shut your DC office, recognized Jerusalem, recognized the Golan, and brokered Arab-Israeli peace without even inviting you. He didn’t forget you—he skipped you on purpose.
The only thing Trump should send Abbas is a bill—for every dollar the U.S. wasted pretending this charade was a real peace process and not a decades-long terrorist welfare scam.
Mahmoud, take your crumbling PA, your blood-soaked talking points, and your pretend negotiations—and go write a letter to someone who cares. Maybe England? Maybe Australia?
And please, for the love of sanity, stop pretending the 1990s never ended.
You’re not a leader. You’re a cautionary tale in denial with a flag and a speechwriter from the Arafat fan club.
Coming Soon: “How to Invent a Nation and Still Lose Relevance” — A Masterclass by Mahmoud Abbas
Featuring special guest lectures by the Soviet Union, Wakanda, and Atlantis.
Israel lives. The PLO lies. Trump wins. Abbas whines.
History has spoken.