Congratulations, Iran: You Built a Terrorist Disneyland and Called It a Country
Welcome, my friends, to a very special edition of “Let’s Roast the Islamic Republic Until They Cry into Their Uranium-Enriched Cheerios.” This one goes out to all the Ayatollah’s cracked-out fanboys, the Hezbollah interns updating Instagram from their mom’s basements, and the bootlicking UN ambassadors who still think Iran is a “misunderstood regional actor.” Grab a kebab and buckle up.
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Iran: The Only Country That Celebrates ‘Death to America’ While Begging for U.S. Sanctions Relief
Let’s start with the basics: Iran is the only regime on earth that holds annual parades chanting “Death to America!” while simultaneously crying like toddlers at a toy store because America won’t lift sanctions. That’s right — imagine holding up a “Death to Walmart” sign outside the store, then whining that they won’t let you use the bathroom or buy ice cream.
Iran’s foreign policy is basically a psychotic Tinder profile:
Hobbies: Building bombs, beheading poets, funding global terrorism
Turn-ons: Martyrdom, missile tests, goat memes
Turn-offs: Freedom, women, and deodorant
And still — STILL — these cretins are shocked the world won’t let them play with nukes. Let’s be real: handing nuclear weapons to Iran is like giving a flamethrower to a toddler on bath salts.
Tehran: The Capital of Clownistan
Ah yes, Tehran — where traffic lights are a suggestion, the air is 40% smog and 60% government lies, and the national pastime is hanging people for being too happy.
The government is run by a group of geriatrics who dress like Sith Lords and run the economy like it’s a Ponzi scheme powered by hallucinations. Meanwhile, their “morality police” are out there tackling women for wearing jeans, while their clerics are on Instagram livestreaming camel sermons through AI filters. One cleric actually claimed women’s hair releases radiation that “messes with male brainwaves.” That explains why every mullah looks like he’s been repeatedly headbutted by a donkey.
Oh, and the Supreme Leader? Khamenei makes Mr. Burns look like Mr. Rogers. His beard is 90% dust and 10% the crushed dreams of every Persian who once liked poetry.
Islamic Republic: The Only Nation Where Science Class Includes “How to Blame Israel for Gravity”
Iran’s education system is so jacked up they teach astrology as “space jihad” and replace math class with “100 ways to blame the Zionists.” Kids are taught that 2+2 = Mossad. Physics lessons? Nope. They just say gravity is a Zionist conspiracy and that Einstein was a Jewish spellcaster.
Meanwhile, their idea of “advanced research” is watching Looney Tunes backwards and trying to decode them as CIA instructions. This is a country that thinks “Quantum Mechanics” is a Jewish NASCAR team.
Iranian Proxies: Terrorism’s Participation Trophy Recipients
Let’s not forget Iran’s family of terrorist degenerates: Hezbollah, Hamas, the Houthis, and those three guys still in Iraq who think they’re freedom fighters because they own a shovel and a Nokia phone from 2003.
These are the rejects of international villainy. Hamas is so broke they asked GoFundMe for suicide vests. Hezbollah, once feared, is now just Lebanon’s biggest landlord with a rocket fetish. The Houthis? They’re basically pirates who failed out of Somalia and decided to cosplay as martyrs on TikTok.
Iran funds all these lunatics like some deranged sugar daddy with a martyrdom kink. And why? Because Tehran couldn’t win a real war if it were sponsored by Allah himself and directed by Michael Bay.
Iran’s “Missiles”: IKEA Rockets Powered by Goat Farts
The Islamic Republic claims to have “advanced” missiles. Yes, if by “advanced” you mean duct-taped sewer pipes aimed at random coordinates, launched by someone named Mahmoud who’s drunk on fermented yogurt.
Their big “missile strike” hit a hospital waiting room and a falafel stand. Some didn’t even explode — they just thudded into sand dunes, scaring a camel and knocking over a tourist’s Coke Zero. The Israeli Iron Dome actually LAUGHED. One IDF officer described the barrage as “like getting peed on by a confused raccoon.”
Iranian “Elite Forces”: TikTok Martyrs with iPhones
The IRGC Quds Force – the ones who thought Soleimani was a genius until Trump deleted him from Earth via drone – are now basically jihadi influencers. They film themselves firing rockets, then post thirst-trap selfies with captions like “#DeathToIsrael 💣🔥 #ButFirstLetMeTakeASelfie.”
Half of them are so high on opium they think Be’er Sheva is a Starbucks in Dubai. The other half are cousins who joined for free meat and a Huawei phone. These are the people the UN wants us to negotiate with? Please. I’ve seen Waffle House security guards with more strategic coherence.
Iranian Supporters: Twitter Warriors Who Couldn’t Spell “Democracy” With Autocorrect
Now let’s talk about the Western dummies who “stand with Iran” — usually seen wearing keffiyehs, sipping soy lattes, and crying about “colonialism” while scrolling on iPhones made by actual oppressed Chinese workers. These people wouldn’t know geopolitics if Khamenei himself slapped them with a uranium rod.
They say things like “Israel’s the aggressor,” while Iran literally funds groups that stab babies, shoot civilians, and blow up synagogues. These useful idiots think Iran is anti-imperialist because they once saw a meme with Edward Said in a Che Guevara hat. They’re not woke, they’re brain-dead with a degree in Feelings Studies.
Final Words for the Islamic Republic: Pack It Up, Go Home, and Build a 7-Eleven
So here’s a message for the Mullah Mafia: you had 45 years to turn a beautiful ancient civilization into something decent, and you blew it. You took Cyrus the Great and turned him into a burned-out Houthi with a power complex.
Israel didn’t start this war — YOU did, when you turned Gaza into Auschwitz 2.0, tried to nuke a nation that has Nobel Prizes in medicine while you’re still trying to invent indoor plumbing, and thought nobody would notice.
Well guess what? We noticed. And now your nuclear program is in pieces, your “elite generals” are fertilizing the desert, and your proxies are sobbing into Iranian flags in Qom, wondering why Allah hasn’t Venmo’d them reinforcements.
So to the Ayatollahs and their crackpipe army: welcome to irrelevance. Enjoy your martyrdom. May your 72 virgins come with 72 lawsuits and a live studio audience of Kurdish feminists and Tel Aviv drag queens.
Am Yisrael Chai.
Death to tyranny.
And may your next Supreme Leader be an inflatable goat.
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